Lindsay Lohan announces plans for new book

Los Angeles, CA – In a guided move to improve her dwindling PR, Lindsay Lohan today announced plans to write a self-help book to help others in similar situations like hers. Following in the footsteps of accomplished self-help writer Stephen Covey, Lohan revealed the title of her upcoming book, ‘The 7 Drug Habits of High and Ineffective People’. In the book Lohan promises to show people how to mix alcohol and drugs to ensure misery, failure and frequent confrontations with the law. Lohan’s agent claims this book will finally allow people to see Lohan for who she truly is, saying “she really wants to help people out and this is her way of reaching out a hand and saying ‘It’s okay to do that line because that’s only step 1 of the process’. She is speaking from the heart and from experience when she writes.”The foreword for the book will be written by Ozzy Osbourne.  It is not expected that he will actually write anything, but instead just a picture of Osbourne will be included in the foreword.

Man attacked by Ninjas seeks retribution

Charlie M. is the most recent victim of the continued mysterious series of Ninja assaults. He was attacked in a dark alley near a dumpster behind the Happy Panda Chinese restaurant on 4th avenue. All of his personal belongings on him were stolen and upon returning home he discovered his family had been abducted. Authorities are still trying to understand what the motives behind these recent assaults are, but so far have found little to go on. “We really don’t know what’s going on here. These Ninjas are trying to tell us something but come on, give us some more clues. Leave a note or an encrypted message or something,” said Police Officer Ed Hightower.

Google Maps Pluto

Using a lot of brainpower and a series of cheap, low-powered, daisy-chained desktop pc’s, Google today announced Google Maps Pluto. Even though there are no streets yet on Pluto, Google confirmed that when they do add streets, these will be the names.

No one really asked them how they knew but the general public consensus was that they were probably right.

Ahmadinejad tricks out his Facebook profile

Manhattan, NY – Following his recent controversial visit to the U.S., Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has reportedly overhauled his Facebook profile. No longer just the plain white background with all his friends appearing as ?’s, Ahmadinejad’s profile now boasts 15 friends and he hopes President Bush and Condoleezza Rice will put their differences aside enough to add each other as friends.

That could just be wishful thinking. A spokesman speaking on behalf of President Bush firmly reiterated something she said earlier in the week in another interview. ‘President Bush is not accepting any new friends at this time. There is growing concern he may be spending too much time on the site.’

Ahmadinejad says he ‘gets a real kick’ out of fully animated emoticons, especially those annoying ones that frame his entire profile, hundreds of yellow balls laughing, crying and rolling around on the floor.

Asked what feature he would most like to see added to Facebook, Ahmadinejad pondered for a minute, smiled and said ’support for stored procedure calls against a multi-threaded database.  This would let me leverage the power of Facebook and extend it with my own custom application. I’d like to see them integrate with a CRM tool like salesforce.com.  That would be pretty slick.’

Cross Dress for Less sued by Ross Dress for Less

San Francisco, CA – Public outrage and 17 protests broke out this morning when local shopper favorite Cross Dress for Less was slapped with a lawsuit from rival Ross Dress for Less. “The names are too close and we can’t be associated with them. No way Jose” said store manager Alejandro Jackson. “We worked too hard to give up the value of the name up to these hotos.”

Protestor Jackie Byrne admitted that while she wasn’t happy the lawsuit happened, she was happy to join a protest after being in a lull for a while. “Since the war in Iraq protests a couple of years ago, there hasn’t been much happening. I kind of missed having them.”

Police planned for the worst, showing up with a truckload of tear gas and a 12 pack of rabid German shepherds. The only reported injury was a policeman having his hand bitten by one of the rabid dogs. Officer Randal Floyd was rushed to a local hospital where he was reportedly in stable condition but not happy about his hand.

No word yet on what Cross Dress for Less plans to do. Stay tuned…

Super Computer Finds Porn Up To 1000 Times Faster.

Memphis, TN – Galactic Computing unveiled a new super computer designed to speed up searches related to porn. Keywords get built into the kernel at runtime giving the entire machine a focused mindset of porn while it is running. The manufacturers believe the chips will last longer in this machine compared to a standard desktop pc because “…they will enjoy the kind of data they are moving around and therefore be more content” said Mark Eaton, CEO and Co-Founder, and former center for the Utah Jazz. In early tests, most users rated the experience ‘overall good’, lending credibility to Galactic’s marketing tagline “faster, quicker, better”.

eHarmony glitch matches Robert with David

Imagine the surprise.  You’re on your way to meet your first blind date you got through eHarmony.  You show up, and sitting at your table is…a man.  Not a problem?  Well, it is if you’re a man as well.  Thanks to a glitch in the eHarmony matching algorithm, two subscribers (no last names provided) Robert and David were identified as 99% matches.

“I was thrilled when I first saw the 99% match.  I thought to myself ‘Wow, this person loves football, washing their car and drinking beer’”, said Robert.

Both men were unpleasantly surprised to see the other person and drew awkward glances from nearby patrons when Robert asked “Ummm…are you here for the eHarmony date?”

The story does have a bright ending though.  Robert and Dave still maintain contact and hang out once in a while watching football and drinking beer.  They have both since cancelled their eHarmony accounts and support each other’s efforts macking on chics in person at the bar.  “It’s just more real approaching a woman in person,” said Robert.  “Plus, you know you’re not going to get stuck dating a man.”

Shares of Gay.com rose 10% on announcement of this news.

Sony plans to recall 2 million Walkmans

Shinagawa, Japan : Consumer electronics maker Sony announced this morning a plan to recall over 2 million Walkmans worldwide. While the Walkmans never used any of the lithium batteries responsible for Sony’s recent laptop battery recall, Sony says ‘it doesn’t matter, we’re being very proactive.’ The typical Walkman runs on 2 AA batteries, which when left under the sun for an extremely long period of time may become combustible if also thrown to the ground against a hard surface while the ground is moist from a recent rain or early morning dew.

Sony hopes to improve its image by taking such widespread actions, and understands that some consumers who still own one of these things may not be too pleased. John Malcolm, a Palm Springs, CA retiree is furious over the recall. ‘You can’t do that to me. How am I going to listen to my cassettes on my morning walk?’

Shares of Apple, Inc. went up 15% shortly after this news was released.

WinZip stunned by first paying customer

Emile Baizel

Mansfield, CT – After helping users around the world unzip over 2 billion archives, WinZip has finally reported their first sale.  It seems that the supposed-to-be-annoying-but-is-quite-friendly-thank-you warning about the need to purchase the software after several uses finally made its point.

WinZip’s employees were thrilled by the news.  One employee speaking on condition of anonymity said “We were floored.  It’s like everything started going in slow motion.  We’ve had so many close calls before that you just become cynical and skeptical about the whole thing.  But this time it is true.  When we heard the news, I don’t think there was a dry eye in the entire office.”

Great job WinZip.  You deserve it.

Apple announces iPhone Shuffle

Cupertino, CA – Apple, Inc. today announced a lighter weight model of its popular yet unreleased iPhone. Aimed at a younger generation who can’t always afford the latest and greatest phones (read: $500), the iPhone Shuffle saves 50% of its manufacturing costs by not providing a screen.Initially, we were skeptical this would make the product unusable. However, Steve Jobs calmed all of our fears. ‘We know what users want in life; they want excitement, surprises. And that’s where we’re going with this. You have no idea who you are calling, who is calling you, or if your phone is even on. You really need to be prepared to speak with anyone at anytime. Your boss, your mom, your girlfriend. I present you with iPhone Shuffle.’

Shares of Apple, Inc. stock rose 15% on the release of this news.