Apple announces Pod-caste system

Bangalore, India – Steve Jobs was in town today for a brief visit to announce the much-anticipated Apple Pod-caste system. Based on the thousands years old caste system in this country, the Pod-caste hierarchy aims to clearly explain how each portable music player ranks against one another. And following the Hindu caste system, Jobs said “it is impossible for one caste to attain a higher ranking. Once you’re an iPod Shuffle, you cannot hope to attain the same status as that of an iPhone, for example.”

Below is the hierarchy of the Pod-caste system:

Brahmin – iPhone – the highest member of the caste hierarchy, the iPhone offers the potential for extreme advancement in its capabilities. Even on its own it is highly regarded but because of the ability to install new applications it can quickly become much more than it is out of the box.

Ksatriya – iPod Touch and iPod Nano – while it can never become an iPhone the iPod Nano is still a worthy caste because of its extensive feature set. Its size and battery life are a testament to its evolution over many lifetimes into an upper echelon caste. The iPod Touch commands respect because it can easily be mistaken for an iPhone and because of its feature expandibility due to the App Store.

Vaisyas – iPod Classic – once believed to be the highest caste, it turns out the iPod Classic never evolved beyond its limitations such as a touch screen or the ability to communicate with voice or SMS. Nevertheless it is still a well-respected and much-loved caste.

Sudas – iPod Shuffle and iPods 1-3G – the iPod Shuffle is a simple being that manages to get the job done but without much opportunity for doing anything more than playing a handful of songs in a random order. As for the iPod 1-3G, basically anything without color on the screen is considered a very low caste. While there is still some benefit to having this around, it is very limited in its capabilities. But even though these may be of a low caste, they are still not as low a caste as the…

Untouchable – Zune – the lowest caste. Unwanted by almost everyone and obtained by only a few, the Zune is destined for a life among the scrap heap of technology history.

This news was not welcomed by everyone. There was much controversy over the announcement as equal rights groups fought for the immediate abolition of the Pod-caste system, claiming “each iPod needs to be valued for its own benefits, independent of what additional features other iPods may have.” When asked for clarification about whether this would apply to the Zune as well, there was no comment.

Housing crisis reaches eskimos

North Pole – Just as experts around the world began thinking the housing crisis had hit rock bottom, news came out of the North Pole today that igloos are now the latest victims of the recent credit crunch. Countless igloos, many of them abandoned or half-built, can be seen scattered all along the North Pole as the expected buyers and tenants never showed up. 

Overzealous developers began building thousands of igloos in 2004 with the expectation that rising global temperatures would force many families to seek cooler environments.  This has yet to happen and is believed to be the number one cause of the igloo crisis.

However, while most developers are postponing or fully pulling out of their development projects, one developer seems unphased.  Real estate mogul Donald Trump is continuing with his plans for the Trump Igloo Tower which he describes as “the tallest, coldest, most magnificent igloo on the planet.”

Strike!

Dear 64bit reader,

We regret to inform you that the 64bit team of writers went on strike today, April 10, 2008.  It would be a stretch to say we didn’t see this one coming.  The 64bit writers have always been a disgruntled lot and now are striking, citing several key issues they would like to see resolved, including:

• lack of any compensation whatsoever
• lack of appreciation from upper management
• bad guy to girl ratio in the office
• no Costco office deliveries
• the only printer in the office ran out of toner six months ago
• employee computers are still on Windows 98

We anticipate this strike will last through early summer, possibly through the end of June as there are many details to be worked out.

We apologize for the strike and any inconveniences it may cause you such as having an RSS feed that now will never show any new updates, or seeing this same post every time you come to this site, wondering what the hell this site is anyway.

We look forward to bringing you more randumb stories you may have never heard about in just a short while, and would like to thank you for your understanding and continued support.

Sincerely,

Middle Management

 

Oakland A’s to become F’s

Oakland, CA – It’s not too often a franchise changes the name of its team.  Team apparel, logos, tattoos and countless other things must be updated in order to accomodate the name change.  Despite all this, Oakland city council voted unanimously today to overhaul the team’s name from the A’s to the F’s.

A series of unpopular offseason moves, highlighted by the trading of Nick Swisher for a minor league pitcher and a sack of potatoes, spurred city council to disassociate the city from any plans for success.  “When you’re called the A’s, people expect you to play at a high level.  We don’t believe we can now field a team that will produce at that level.  So, we are now going to be the F’s to be more in line with expectations.”

Expectations are expected to be low with the new roster and new team name.  Maybe not surprisingly some players are okay with the lowering of expectations.  Third baseman Eric Chavez said “Totally cool with me.  I’ve been sucking for the past few years since I got a new contract.  Now that I’m an F, people will consider me awesome if I perform at a C level.”

In 2011 the team will be moving half an hour south to Fremont where it is presumed they will be the Fremont F’s, more of an alliteration than the Fremont A’s.  FF versus FA.  FA is a body soap typically found in Mexico and the Middle East, neither of which is yet a large fan base for the team.

Apple employee caught with Zune player

Palo Alto, CA – In a move that can only be described as ‘what were you thinking?’, an Apple employee was caught listening to a Zune player on his way into the office.

At 8:55 a.m. this morning, security cameras triggered a warning alarm after they were unable to recognize the mp3 player on the employee’s hip.  Security guards were notified immediately of the potential breach and within minutes had tracked down and apprehended the employee.  By 9:05 a.m. he was quarantined and as of the release of this story it is believed he still remains there.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs was visibly furious in a televised impromptu press conference.  “What happened this morning was completely unacceptable and disrespectful to the iPod family of products and the engineers who work on them.  A Zune is like a retarded cousin of the iPod.  This is a work environment.  We’re building the future here.  We don’t have any time for dealing with retarded cousins.  Leave them at home.” Jobs then stormed off the podium while rabid Apple fans cheered wildly from the back of the room and John Mayer launched into a set from his latest CD.

This marks the first such attempted breach of security in the industry since last October when a Toshiba employee was infamously caught bringing a Blu-Ray DVD into work.

Michael Jackson no longer starting with the man in the mirror

Los Angeles, CA – Former King of Pop, Michael Jackson, announced today that he is no longer going to be starting with the man in the mirror.  Citing nausea and an overwhelming lack of self-recognition as the key factors in his decision, Jackson said “I realized this morning that the man in the mirror is kind of hard to look at.  I’m not sure what I’ve got going on on my face anymore but I’m done with it.  I’ve lost my appetite recently and frankly I’m not sure how you’re even able to interview me right now.” 

Asked how he will avoid looking in a mirror, Jackson replied “I’m going to cover all the mirrors in Wonderland with inspirational quotes and pictures of waterfalls and unicorns floating above them.  I want to get inspired when I see these pictures.  It’ll be a lot better than what I had going on before.”  It is believed to be the first time a person has ever traded in their looks for inspirational quotes and unicorns.

This marks the 675th consecutive story about Michael Jackson that holds no bearing to his musical talents. 

Bush announces plans to refinance White House

Washington D.C. – In an unprecedented move to boost a struggling economy, President George Bush today announced plans to refinance the White House to aid the economy of the country.  “We’re doing this for the American people.  We want to show that just because something has never been done before, doesn’t mean it isn’t a great idea.”

Bush revealed more details about the plans, saying “We’re taking out a 3 year ARM which will help us out in the short term.  We’ll leave it to the next administration to deal with refinancing it again in 2011.”

The move is believed to open up a ’several million dollar’ line of credit that the President can use at his own discretion.  “Of course we’ll help out the children of America with this money.  But I may also do some improvements to the landscape, maybe put up some more trees.  I like a nice garden, you see.  I like it when birds choose to hang out in my garden.  If Laura lets me, I may add a third floor and really make this a great place to live, a real symbol of America.”

The President is still awaiting the results of his credit report but he is confident he will score well.  “I keep getting those credit card applications in the mail so I know people realize I’ve got good credit.”

Shaquille O’Neal traded for Tony Robbins

Phoenix, AZ – The Phoenix Suns today pulled off a shocking trade, sending away  center Shaquille O’Neal for motivational speaker Tony Robbins.  Just having recently acquired O’Neal for Shawn Marion, it was believed the Suns were looking to beef up their inside game to make a strong push for the championship, many believing O’Neal was the missing piece to the puzzle.

However, after having O’Neal in the lineup for a few games, head coach Mike D’Antoni still felt the team “was missing that edge, that spark that could propel us to the next level.  I realized that what we really needed was someone to motivate our players to excel beyond any levels they’ve previously played at.  The inside game would come as a result of that.  So we unfortunately had to say bye bye to Shaq.”

As he has zero experience playing professional basketball, it is believed Robbins will begin by sitting on the bench and leading 30-second motivational sessions during timeouts.  Robbins is excited about the new opportunities, saying “I’m going to be able to help these guys out and see immediate results when they get back out there on the court.  I’m going to try and convince coach to put me on the floor during free throws so I can motivate the shooter even more.”

O’Neal was understandbly stunned by the trade, claiming “I’ve still got 3 good years left in this body.  I can’t believe they dumped me for some white boy that can’t even shoot a free throw.”  It was later pointed out that O’Neal also had problems shooting free throws and wasn’t half the motivational speaker that Robbins is.  O’Neal had no comment.

Osama: “I cut those cables.”

Middle East – This morning world renowned terrorist Osama bin Laden sent a letter to Al Jazeera claiming responsibility for all five of the cables that were recently cut. “We’re pretty limited on what we can do on land and in the air these days. It’s a losing battle. So we held a brainstorm session with all my top advisors, and asked ‘What are our options?’”

Bin Laden admits when the idea of an underwater attack was first suggested by a young soldier, everyone thought it was the dumbest idea ever and consequently the soldier was castrated and shot dead. “A few moments later, after the idea had time to settle in our minds for a bit, we started warming up to it. At first we thought we’d do something along the lines of rounding up a school of sharks and bringing them closer to shore to terrify all the people, just like in that American movie Jaws. That’s where we get all our great ideas from.”

After several failed attempts and gruesome deaths failed to capture even one shark, the idea was tossed. Other ideas they had contemplated included draining the ocean, urinating in the ocean en masse and dropping a plugged-in hair dryer into the ocean.

The cable cutting idea came “as a flash of brilliance from the almighty Allah. I’m sitting there in my cave, and this idea just like, came out of nowhere. I had a vision of me scuba diving with a knife and I knew I would be the one to make it happen. So I spent the last 6 months getting my PADI scuba certification. I’m actually a certified instructor now too so I can train my soldiers and save on training costs.”

Bin Laden admitted he too was negatively impacted by the loss of internet connectivity and wishes he had waited for his Limewire downloads to complete before cutting the cables. “Sometimes you just can’t cover all your bases. It was an infidel move on my part.”

Osama Bin Laden upset after not being selected for The Amazing Race

Afghanistan – Notorious world terrorist Osama bin Laden this week released a video to Al Jazeera claiming to bring ‘endless violence against the infidels of CBS’. In the video bin Laden points out that he felt slighted when CBS did not select him and his right-hand man, Ayman al-Zawahiri, as contestants on the next season of The Amazing Race.

“We do this all the time,” bin Laden said. “Buying tickets with foreign currencies, sneaking out from one country to the next, always on the go. It would have been perfect.”

Bin Laden went on to say that he has been quite bored living in the mountains these past few years and was looking at The Amazing Race as a way to bring some newfound excitement into his life. “You know, in the end it’s not about the money. It’s about making the most of your time here on earth before you rise to Allah and claim your 42 virgins.”

He ended the video on a more subdued note, adding that he would be open to other U.S. game shows “as long as they don’t require knowledge of U.S. trivia like Jeopardy.” The producers of Hollywood Squares are rumored to be interested in having bin Laden appear as a regular celebrity guest.