Oakland A’s to become F’s

Oakland, CA – It’s not too often a franchise changes the name of its team.  Team apparel, logos, tattoos and countless other things must be updated in order to accomodate the name change.  Despite all this, Oakland city council voted unanimously today to overhaul the team’s name from the A’s to the F’s.

A series of unpopular offseason moves, highlighted by the trading of Nick Swisher for a minor league pitcher and a sack of potatoes, spurred city council to disassociate the city from any plans for success.  “When you’re called the A’s, people expect you to play at a high level.  We don’t believe we can now field a team that will produce at that level.  So, we are now going to be the F’s to be more in line with expectations.”

Expectations are expected to be low with the new roster and new team name.  Maybe not surprisingly some players are okay with the lowering of expectations.  Third baseman Eric Chavez said “Totally cool with me.  I’ve been sucking for the past few years since I got a new contract.  Now that I’m an F, people will consider me awesome if I perform at a C level.”

In 2011 the team will be moving half an hour south to Fremont where it is presumed they will be the Fremont F’s, more of an alliteration than the Fremont A’s.  FF versus FA.  FA is a body soap typically found in Mexico and the Middle East, neither of which is yet a large fan base for the team.

Apple employee caught with Zune player

Palo Alto, CA – In a move that can only be described as ‘what were you thinking?’, an Apple employee was caught listening to a Zune player on his way into the office.

At 8:55 a.m. this morning, security cameras triggered a warning alarm after they were unable to recognize the mp3 player on the employee’s hip.  Security guards were notified immediately of the potential breach and within minutes had tracked down and apprehended the employee.  By 9:05 a.m. he was quarantined and as of the release of this story it is believed he still remains there.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs was visibly furious in a televised impromptu press conference.  “What happened this morning was completely unacceptable and disrespectful to the iPod family of products and the engineers who work on them.  A Zune is like a retarded cousin of the iPod.  This is a work environment.  We’re building the future here.  We don’t have any time for dealing with retarded cousins.  Leave them at home.” Jobs then stormed off the podium while rabid Apple fans cheered wildly from the back of the room and John Mayer launched into a set from his latest CD.

This marks the first such attempted breach of security in the industry since last October when a Toshiba employee was infamously caught bringing a Blu-Ray DVD into work.

Michael Jackson no longer starting with the man in the mirror

Los Angeles, CA – Former King of Pop, Michael Jackson, announced today that he is no longer going to be starting with the man in the mirror.  Citing nausea and an overwhelming lack of self-recognition as the key factors in his decision, Jackson said “I realized this morning that the man in the mirror is kind of hard to look at.  I’m not sure what I’ve got going on on my face anymore but I’m done with it.  I’ve lost my appetite recently and frankly I’m not sure how you’re even able to interview me right now.” 

Asked how he will avoid looking in a mirror, Jackson replied “I’m going to cover all the mirrors in Wonderland with inspirational quotes and pictures of waterfalls and unicorns floating above them.  I want to get inspired when I see these pictures.  It’ll be a lot better than what I had going on before.”  It is believed to be the first time a person has ever traded in their looks for inspirational quotes and unicorns.

This marks the 675th consecutive story about Michael Jackson that holds no bearing to his musical talents.