Osama: “I cut those cables.”

Middle East – This morning world renowned terrorist Osama bin Laden sent a letter to Al Jazeera claiming responsibility for all five of the cables that were recently cut. “We’re pretty limited on what we can do on land and in the air these days. It’s a losing battle. So we held a brainstorm session with all my top advisors, and asked ‘What are our options?’”

Bin Laden admits when the idea of an underwater attack was first suggested by a young soldier, everyone thought it was the dumbest idea ever and consequently the soldier was castrated and shot dead. “A few moments later, after the idea had time to settle in our minds for a bit, we started warming up to it. At first we thought we’d do something along the lines of rounding up a school of sharks and bringing them closer to shore to terrify all the people, just like in that American movie Jaws. That’s where we get all our great ideas from.”

After several failed attempts and gruesome deaths failed to capture even one shark, the idea was tossed. Other ideas they had contemplated included draining the ocean, urinating in the ocean en masse and dropping a plugged-in hair dryer into the ocean.

The cable cutting idea came “as a flash of brilliance from the almighty Allah. I’m sitting there in my cave, and this idea just like, came out of nowhere. I had a vision of me scuba diving with a knife and I knew I would be the one to make it happen. So I spent the last 6 months getting my PADI scuba certification. I’m actually a certified instructor now too so I can train my soldiers and save on training costs.”

Bin Laden admitted he too was negatively impacted by the loss of internet connectivity and wishes he had waited for his Limewire downloads to complete before cutting the cables. “Sometimes you just can’t cover all your bases. It was an infidel move on my part.”

Tags: osama bin laden, underwater cable