Bush announces plans to refinance White House

Washington D.C. – In an unprecedented move to boost a struggling economy, President George Bush today announced plans to refinance the White House to aid the economy of the country.  “We’re doing this for the American people.  We want to show that just because something has never been done before, doesn’t mean it isn’t a great idea.”

Bush revealed more details about the plans, saying “We’re taking out a 3 year ARM which will help us out in the short term.  We’ll leave it to the next administration to deal with refinancing it again in 2011.”

The move is believed to open up a ’several million dollar’ line of credit that the President can use at his own discretion.  “Of course we’ll help out the children of America with this money.  But I may also do some improvements to the landscape, maybe put up some more trees.  I like a nice garden, you see.  I like it when birds choose to hang out in my garden.  If Laura lets me, I may add a third floor and really make this a great place to live, a real symbol of America.”

The President is still awaiting the results of his credit report but he is confident he will score well.  “I keep getting those credit card applications in the mail so I know people realize I’ve got good credit.”

Shaquille O’Neal traded for Tony Robbins

Phoenix, AZ – The Phoenix Suns today pulled off a shocking trade, sending away  center Shaquille O’Neal for motivational speaker Tony Robbins.  Just having recently acquired O’Neal for Shawn Marion, it was believed the Suns were looking to beef up their inside game to make a strong push for the championship, many believing O’Neal was the missing piece to the puzzle.

However, after having O’Neal in the lineup for a few games, head coach Mike D’Antoni still felt the team “was missing that edge, that spark that could propel us to the next level.  I realized that what we really needed was someone to motivate our players to excel beyond any levels they’ve previously played at.  The inside game would come as a result of that.  So we unfortunately had to say bye bye to Shaq.”

As he has zero experience playing professional basketball, it is believed Robbins will begin by sitting on the bench and leading 30-second motivational sessions during timeouts.  Robbins is excited about the new opportunities, saying “I’m going to be able to help these guys out and see immediate results when they get back out there on the court.  I’m going to try and convince coach to put me on the floor during free throws so I can motivate the shooter even more.”

O’Neal was understandbly stunned by the trade, claiming “I’ve still got 3 good years left in this body.  I can’t believe they dumped me for some white boy that can’t even shoot a free throw.”  It was later pointed out that O’Neal also had problems shooting free throws and wasn’t half the motivational speaker that Robbins is.  O’Neal had no comment.

Osama: “I cut those cables.”

Middle East – This morning world renowned terrorist Osama bin Laden sent a letter to Al Jazeera claiming responsibility for all five of the cables that were recently cut. “We’re pretty limited on what we can do on land and in the air these days. It’s a losing battle. So we held a brainstorm session with all my top advisors, and asked ‘What are our options?’”

Bin Laden admits when the idea of an underwater attack was first suggested by a young soldier, everyone thought it was the dumbest idea ever and consequently the soldier was castrated and shot dead. “A few moments later, after the idea had time to settle in our minds for a bit, we started warming up to it. At first we thought we’d do something along the lines of rounding up a school of sharks and bringing them closer to shore to terrify all the people, just like in that American movie Jaws. That’s where we get all our great ideas from.”

After several failed attempts and gruesome deaths failed to capture even one shark, the idea was tossed. Other ideas they had contemplated included draining the ocean, urinating in the ocean en masse and dropping a plugged-in hair dryer into the ocean.

The cable cutting idea came “as a flash of brilliance from the almighty Allah. I’m sitting there in my cave, and this idea just like, came out of nowhere. I had a vision of me scuba diving with a knife and I knew I would be the one to make it happen. So I spent the last 6 months getting my PADI scuba certification. I’m actually a certified instructor now too so I can train my soldiers and save on training costs.”

Bin Laden admitted he too was negatively impacted by the loss of internet connectivity and wishes he had waited for his Limewire downloads to complete before cutting the cables. “Sometimes you just can’t cover all your bases. It was an infidel move on my part.”